HEX RAY VISION.

For starters: I just figured my taxes for 2005. Somehow, I owe the feds almost $200. Looks like the only place I'll be filing these forms is in the motherfucking DUMPSTER, man. Seriously, haven't I already paid enough? How is it I barely even make enough money to clothe myself (outside of paying for rent, bills, child support, student loan shit, etc), yet for some reason I STILL HAVEN'T PAID ENOUGH? All this on top of last year's audit. Fuck that. If I can't even afford to keep a roof over my head, I sure as hell can't afford to pay for the US Senate's annual pay raise. Sorry to hear the fees at the local bathhouse went up, gang, but I got mouths to feed. Deal with it.



I went to Liberty Hall last night to rent DUNE: THE EXTENDED EDITION. My conversation with the clerk on duty went something like this:

ME: Oh, Dinosaur Jr. is coming?
CLERK: Yeah, I guess so. Who are they, anyway?
ME: You've never heard of Dinosaur Jr?
CLERK: Well, a lot of people come in and seem excited about it, but I'm not really sure I've heard them
before.
ME (slowly realizing that I'm old): Um... They were pretty big in... THE 90's.
CLERK (slowly realizing that I'm old): Oooo-kay.

By the way, the extended edition of DUNE is NOT the long-promised "director's cut." Instead, you get the 3-and-a-half hour long TV version that David Lynch removed his name from (Alan Smithee appears in the directing credits). Also, I seemed to remember that DUNE was a bad movie... What I had forgotten was that it's also a TERRIBLE movie. I mean, really, REALLY awful. The voiceover narration, the interior monologues, the rushed storyline, ALL OF IT adds up to one giant MISSED OPPORTUNITY. What a shame, especially considering some of the acting talent on display: Dean Stockwell, Grace Zabriske, Max Von Sydow, Kyle MacLachlan... At least David was able to put most of the people to better use on his later projects.

One last thing: Does anyone know whatever happened to THIS GUY?

Oh, wow. I was going to take a moment to air out my current list of disappointments, but then I hopped online and saw THIS:


http://www.tonight.co.za/index.php?fArticleId=2904867

...and I realized that my problems are completely insignificant. There is simply to much evil in the world for me to dwell on my own disappointments.

My favorite line:

A source told America's Us Weekly magazine: "He has threatened to release raunchy footage of the two taken before Spears looked pregnant."

The "source" (which we can all agree is probably Britney's publicist) obviously wants to appear shocked, but her choice of words betrays this stance. Could this be a last ditch-effort to pump life into her gasping career? D'ya think? Oh, Ms. Federline, we hardly knew ye...




So, the aforementioned disappointments, listed here in abbreviated form:

1. My daughter is getting her tonsils and adenoids removed next week. Unfortunately, I will most likely be locked up in the medical lab testing drugs, so I won't be able to visit her. To make up for this, I bought a DVD copy of MAD MONSTER PARTY for her to watch while recovering. I may not be a GOOD parent, but at least I'm a COOL one.



2. The much-touted return of MOVIE NIGHT at the Jackpot was canceled last Sunday because the booking guy told a DJ he could come down and spin metal records instead. Being an asshole, he didn't bother to tell anyone about this, so we had to cancel everything at the last minute. All five people who showed up expecting to see WESTWORLD went home and cried themselves to sleep, I'm sure.

3. Speaking of the Jackpot, my tenure as an employee there has become increasingly irritating as of late. Sparse business coupled with lousy tips makes Gillaspie go something something... Like the fat guy who sat at the bar for an hour and a half, pounding shots of Rumplemints and referring to every woman on TV as a "fucking bitch." He was reading a book called "Tribal Quest For The Elven Princess" or something like that, and he tied a mean drunk on because his imaginary date never showed up to meet him. Thirty-some dollars worth of booze later, he stumbles away without leaving a fucking DIME in the tip jar... Did I mention he was my only customer that afternoon? Yeah.

Also, last night I had to rough up a little kid after he tried to sneak into the bar. I felt lousy about it for the rest of the night. I pulled him outside and he immediately started cursing at me. His friend tried to convince me to let him in because, in his words, "He's a functioning re-tard, man, you GOTTA let him in." Meanwhile, this "functioning re-tard" is babbling on a cell phone to his friends about what an asshole the doorguy is for throwing him out of the bar. I politely (but STERNLY) told him that I couldn't let him in because he had no ID, he was drunk, he was OBVIOUSLY underage... and above all, he'd tried to sneak through the door behind my back, which is a big time NO-NO. The kid said, "Just let it go, asshole," and pushed his hands against my chest, at which point I totally lost my mind, grabbed him by the shoulders, and threw him across the sidewalk. I was screaming all sorts of awful shit at him, and he eventually got up and ran away, screaming, "You fucking psycho!" and waving his middle finger at me.

Like I said, I felt lousy about it the rest of the night. He was just a kid, after all. But I was being polite as hell with him, and he decided to get physical anyway... If this had happened five ro six years ago, he'd be in the hospital and I'd be in jail. So I guess we're both lucky that I've mellowed with age.

Ah, well, at least I'm not THIS GUY:



Massive flooding north fo town prduced this picture on the front page a few days back... In a perfect world, the attached quote would read, "If'n any of them thar looters reckon they can swim up yo my trailer home and get my collection of Chiefs shirts, they gonna hafta come through ME first! U! S! A!"