scary_manilow: (program)
Dig this:

This guy I work with joined a cult two weeks ago. For the sake of anonymity, we'll refer to him as "Bob" here... "Bob" has some pretty intense marital problems, and he's one of those fellas that always seems to be searching for his Inner Self. He's been into drugs, Christianity, tantric sex, and voodoo. He's done some espionage work for the government, toured in a rock band, and bent metal forks with the sheer force of his mind. Hell, he even tried settling down for the straight life with a wife and kids. None of it worked out. Needless to say, "Bob" is a man plagued by self-doubt.

So, one day "Bob" hears about this men's empowerment group and decides to give it a whirl. He fills out a twelve-volume questionnaire, detailing the innermost secrets of his existence, sends them a check for two thousand dollars, and reserves himself a spot at the next group retreat. The next day, he comes in to work and tells us all about it.

He said, "It's just a bunch of men who meet a couple of times a year, at a campsite out in the forest. They have some activities for us, these exercises that we do together to help us better understand what it means to be a man in today's world. They're all a pretty tight-knit group of guys, from what I understand."

WHAT I SAID: "Hmm.. That sounds interesting, 'Bob.' Hope you find what you need down there."

WHAT I THOUGHT: "Hmm... Sounds like a bunch of naked men beating on drums and trying to get in touch with their inner animal... Might this possibly be a cult?"

"Bob" left for the weekend and returned the following Monday, refreshed. He was bursting at the seams to fill us in on all the details, but something was holding him back. I pressed him for details, and he hesitated.

Then, he said, "It was a life-changing experience, but I don't want to cheapen it by going into details... I'd rather let the teachings show through in my actions."

It wasn't until later that he confessed that the whole thing was a big SECRET, that there were certain rituals involved with this "Men's Group" that he was forbidden to speak of.

"It's all very therapeutic," he said. "We all learned a lot about each other." He then dropped the names of several prominent local business owners who were also members of the group.

WHAT I SAID: "Wow, 'Bob,' I had no idea so many people were involved... It's good to know you have such a support network here in the community."

WHAT I THOUGHT: "Wow, a secret society comprised of some of Lawrence's biggest movers and shakers? Esoteric rituals that cost thousands of dollars to learn about? Starting to sound a bit CULT-y, if you ask me..."

Over the weekend, "Bob" divulged even more juicy details.

"We had our graduation ceremony last night. Some of the group leaders from ALL OVER THE WORLD were there... The head of our group came out in a HOODED COWL and gave each of us a BLESSING. It was really just a chance for our families to come out, meet the rest of the guys, and... you know, kind of let them know that IT'S NOT A CULT or anything."

He also told me that his involvement with this group was about to advance to the next level. "I'm through with the first stage of lessons. I'm going back again next year, as soon as I can get some money together, so I can learn how to pass what I've learned on to new members."

WHAT I SAID: "Gee, 'Bob,' it's great to see you so involved with something like this, and I'm glad that you're willing to pass that knowledge on to others who might need it."

WHAT I THOUGHT: "Um... Anytime you're involved with a group that has to call a special meeting to prove that they're NOT a cult, it probably means that they ARE a cult. And you're giving them more money. Good luck, SUCKER!"

I wish, I WISH I could say that it all ended there... But alas, it hasn't. You see, he's already managed to recruit another of my co-workers to accompany him this spring. First stage, PROGRAMMING. Second stage, RECRUITMENT. Third stage, PAYING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO HAVE ANAL SEX WITH BANKERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS. Fourth stage, FULL SCALE GLOBAL DOMINATION?

Sigh... At least the cosmos balanced itself out this weekend. EXTREME CHRISTIAN FASHION vanished from the Earth in the middle of the night. It was as if the hand of God reached down and scraped that atrocity from the face of Lawrence. My black little heart did a quick two-step as I walked past the vacant storefront this morning. Everything is right with the world.

TONIGHT: Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings at the Bottleneck. This follows a weekend of hot action from THE MAKERS. Does life get any better than this?


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August 2012

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