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Lawrence... Thou Art DOOMED!
Jun. 1st, 2006 02:45 pmWoe unto you, residents of Lawrence!
As our fair city assumes its new identity as a suburb-to-be, your false sense of progressive pride has finally started to wither and crack. The invasive yuppie influence that not-so-secretly controls our community has fooled you into believing that such things as high rise condominiums and strip malls disguised as "mixed-use neighborhoods" somehow preserve the historic character of Lawrence.
You've all been HOODWINKED, and it's time you knew it!
One would expect our honorably elected City Commissioners to swoop in and protect you from such treachery... After all, didn't they promise to keep Lawrence safe from the twin evils of GENTRIFICATION and URBAN SPRAWL? Instead, they have collectively forced you to roll over, spread our cheeks, and accept the greased fist of BIG DEVELOPMENT with a tight-lipped smile.
But that's okay... because as long as we erect tin foil monstrosities like THIS downtown...
... we can still rightfully hang on to our moniker as "City of the Arts." What a load of horse apples. God forbid we should plant some trees in that lot, maybe throw in a fountain or a couple of park benches. Why preserve any sort of green space downtown when we can overload the skyline with duct tape and fiberglass?
Sigh... Maybe I'm just jaded. Ever since![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
secret_malady and I returned from our trip to Chicago, everything here just seems so... Kansas, if you know what I mean. Should I be ashamed to admit that I was seduced by a big city in a blue state? A place with a vibrant and active culture that permeates every square inch of sidewalk, from Lakeshore drive to the darkest bowels of the ghetto? Where the crazies are REALLY crazy and urban decay is never considered "blight"? Is it wrong that I enjoy getting cruised by drag queens at an all night diner? That I'm excited by the sight of an angry crackhead walking through the subway with a giant knife in his hand? Maybe there's just something wrong with me, but I fell in love with Chicago.
So what? you might ask. Chicago's a BIG CITY. Of course it has a more diverse and active culture than Lawrence. This is still the best place to live in Kansas... We're a LIBERAL OASIS, remember? Take a good look around, and you'll see that there's really nothing in Chicago that you can't find in Lawrence... We've got it all, just on a smaller scale!
Ahem... Allow me to call BULLSHIT on that interior monologue, Mr. Townie Apologist. I could rattle off a list of examples that would make your head explode (neighborhood markets, vibrant immigrant population, reliable public transit, etc.), but allow me instead to focus on two words: VEGETARIAN RESTAURANTS. For all the politically correct hippie gerrymandering that goes on in this town, we still don't have a single vegetarian restaurant. Yet in Chicago, the heart of sausage country, you can get a three course vegetarian meal any time the mood strikes. Wrap your brain around that one, you whiny liberal prick, then tell me why I'm forced to choose between three different versions of overpriced, undercooked ethnic food whenever I want to take my best gal out for dinner.
But that's okay... You guys go ahead and rally around that giant retail space-- I mean, "public library"-- they're going to build between the empty mall and the empty condos. Sleep easy knowing that your tax money is well spent by a gang of liars and thieves who have the artistic integrity of our city at heart. I'm going to start hoarding my money and plotting ways to escape this town with my dignity intact.
As our fair city assumes its new identity as a suburb-to-be, your false sense of progressive pride has finally started to wither and crack. The invasive yuppie influence that not-so-secretly controls our community has fooled you into believing that such things as high rise condominiums and strip malls disguised as "mixed-use neighborhoods" somehow preserve the historic character of Lawrence.
You've all been HOODWINKED, and it's time you knew it!
One would expect our honorably elected City Commissioners to swoop in and protect you from such treachery... After all, didn't they promise to keep Lawrence safe from the twin evils of GENTRIFICATION and URBAN SPRAWL? Instead, they have collectively forced you to roll over, spread our cheeks, and accept the greased fist of BIG DEVELOPMENT with a tight-lipped smile.
But that's okay... because as long as we erect tin foil monstrosities like THIS downtown...
... we can still rightfully hang on to our moniker as "City of the Arts." What a load of horse apples. God forbid we should plant some trees in that lot, maybe throw in a fountain or a couple of park benches. Why preserve any sort of green space downtown when we can overload the skyline with duct tape and fiberglass?
Sigh... Maybe I'm just jaded. Ever since
secret_malady and I returned from our trip to Chicago, everything here just seems so... Kansas, if you know what I mean. Should I be ashamed to admit that I was seduced by a big city in a blue state? A place with a vibrant and active culture that permeates every square inch of sidewalk, from Lakeshore drive to the darkest bowels of the ghetto? Where the crazies are REALLY crazy and urban decay is never considered "blight"? Is it wrong that I enjoy getting cruised by drag queens at an all night diner? That I'm excited by the sight of an angry crackhead walking through the subway with a giant knife in his hand? Maybe there's just something wrong with me, but I fell in love with Chicago. So what? you might ask. Chicago's a BIG CITY. Of course it has a more diverse and active culture than Lawrence. This is still the best place to live in Kansas... We're a LIBERAL OASIS, remember? Take a good look around, and you'll see that there's really nothing in Chicago that you can't find in Lawrence... We've got it all, just on a smaller scale!
Ahem... Allow me to call BULLSHIT on that interior monologue, Mr. Townie Apologist. I could rattle off a list of examples that would make your head explode (neighborhood markets, vibrant immigrant population, reliable public transit, etc.), but allow me instead to focus on two words: VEGETARIAN RESTAURANTS. For all the politically correct hippie gerrymandering that goes on in this town, we still don't have a single vegetarian restaurant. Yet in Chicago, the heart of sausage country, you can get a three course vegetarian meal any time the mood strikes. Wrap your brain around that one, you whiny liberal prick, then tell me why I'm forced to choose between three different versions of overpriced, undercooked ethnic food whenever I want to take my best gal out for dinner.
But that's okay... You guys go ahead and rally around that giant retail space-- I mean, "public library"-- they're going to build between the empty mall and the empty condos. Sleep easy knowing that your tax money is well spent by a gang of liars and thieves who have the artistic integrity of our city at heart. I'm going to start hoarding my money and plotting ways to escape this town with my dignity intact.
