The Celebrated Hot-n-Tot of Twat

secret_malady is concocting a warts-and-all account of our Vegas Odyssey... Rather than spoil all of the surprising plot twists, I'll supply you with a few teasers to keep you hanging on the edge of your seats in anticipation.

1)The THRIFT STORES were amazing...



...the FOOD, not so much.



In fact, if you're a vegetarian, you're meal plan is pretty much FUCKED, because nothing green grows in the desert.


2) Our hotel advertised itself as THIS;




When in reality, we got THIS:



Which is, in fact, a million times better, don't you think?


3) The selection of PINBALL MACHINES rocked my world...



...but I was totally underwhelmed by my first-time exposure to SLOT MACHINES.



Except in the case of LIBERACE's personal slot, which left me trembling and weeping in adoration.



4) I went to Vegas expecting to see THIS on every corner...



Instead, I found myself awash in a sea of FANNY PACKS, SWEATPANTS, and THIRD-RATE SOUVENIR BOOTHS.




Luckily, we ran into jimmymontrose on our trip, so everything turned out all right.




Let's get serious, for a moment: The Cramps show was fucking amazing. We stood less than a five feet from Lux and Ivy the whole time. Mr. Interior announced that this show marked their 30th anniversary performing together as a band, then proceeded to sling bottles of wine across the stage and destroy every mic stand they put in front of him... He even paid special attention to us, getting down on his knees and singing into our faces several times, then pointing his fingers at us when we donned our lucky shades for "Sunglasses After Dark." It pays to be the best dressed couple in town, I guess.

Sean Yseult was an inspired choice to play bass on this tour... I felt bad that no one really seemed to notice, but I guess that's what you sign on for when you join The Cramps. Doesn't anyone remember Famous Monsters?



All in all, we had a ridiculously good time (as you'll soon find out when Ms. Malady posts her travelogue ((which is pretty much the most hilarious thing ever, in my opinion))... make sure to read EVERY WORD, and your life will be changed FOREVER)... I don't think I've ever had more fun travelling with someone, and I hope we have many more adventures together in the years to come. If my life is one big vacation, I'm glad she's decided to take the trip with me. I LOVE YOU, BABY!